I’m Too Ashamed to Share it

I’m Too Ashamed to Share it

QUESTION

Domestic violence started in our home not long after we had gotten married. This day I had gone to get my hair done at the hairdressers, because of the queue at the hairdressers I came home much later than I said I would. He looked at me suspiciously and insisted that I was getting my hair done for my boyfriends.  He insisted I had gone to see my boyfriends after the hairdressers.

Thinking he was joking I just walked into the kitchen, he dragged me by my hair, beat me to the ground and kicked me in the face.  He pulled out my undies and wanted to check my private parts to get evidence that I had been with a man. It was then I realised I was in big trouble.

When he woke up the next day he was apologetic. I didn’t know what to do and I thought I would tell his mother. His mother told me it was my fault, that her son wasn’t like that and wanted to know what I had done to provoke his anger.  The violence has not stopped happening, I live under constant accusation and shame.  I am too ashamed to share this with my family and friends.

ANSWER

The first thing that came to my mind as I read your message was: “Nobody deserves to be treated like that.”

You do not deserve to be treated as you have just described; nobody does.

My goodness, it must be terrifying living in a situation like that.  What you have just described is highly abusive, you can’t continue to live like that.

Now, if your husband assaults you like he has done, apologises, then turns round to do it all again, it obviously proves that he cannot help himself.   There is a dysfunction, this will not simply disappear.  He obviously needs help in sorting through his emotions and thoughts and needs the space to do this.

 

 

 

Living in an environment with physical, emotional, psychologically and sexual abuse cannot be doing you much good, it’s must be confusing, distressful and  traumatic to say the least  and should not be condoned.

  1. SAFEGUARD YOURSELF

Safeguard yourself. When a situation is highly volatile you need to remove yourself from it as anything can happen. Things can escalate. You need to think safety first.   Since you mentioned that the violence has not stopped, you need to do something about that immediately.

  1. GET HELP FROM THE AUTHORITIES

Domestic violence is a crime, you need to talk to the police. It’s always wise to get help from the authorities as soon as you can as this may prevent things from escalating further.  It’s may even prevent it from happening again

  1.  GET HELP FROM FAMILY

You’ve obviously not made much progress with the help sought from family members, this sometimes does work as a means of early intervention, but in other cases and understandably so, family members do let their emotions colour their perspective and are unable to view the situation objectively.  To get to the root of this challenging situation you need objectivity.  There may be members of your family and his that are able to view issues more objectively, people who you can trust that you can reach out to intervene.

  1. GET HELP FROM YOUR COUNSELLOR OR A PASTOR

Normally, I would suggest that you talk to your spouse about how you feel about the situation, but it seems like anything can trigger an episode of abuse or violence, so talking to him about the situation directly may not be of much help at this stage.

If the situation is not getting any better I would suggest that you immediately seek professional help to redeem the situation. Speaking to your Counsellor or a Pastor may help.

  1. NO REASON TO FEEL ASHAMED

There is no reason to feel ashamed.  Shame often comes from what you think about people’s opinions of you.

What people think is not what really matters, how you feel and how you perceive yourself matters. Our life is not meant to be lived in shame and self-doubt. Forget what people think and focus only on a positive self-image.

Living with this in secret is not good for you as you can already see, it is highly damaging to your mental and emotional health, and your physical health can suffer damage too.  Get help, give yourself time to heal and be restored.

  1. BE HEALED, SO THAT YOU MARRIAGE CAN BE HEALED

What you have described is an extremely unhealthy marital situation, but its only so because you are both hurting and need healing.  Hurting people hurt people. You both need to individually find healing and made whole, so that your marriage can be healed and be made whole as well.  This doesn’t just happen in an instant, in most cases, it does take time, and you must both really want it.

Take comfort that through healing you can step out into freedom and move from disgrace to hope.

You can be Victorious over this situation!

Davida Yemi-Akanle is a Domestic Abuse and Violence advocate, she is the founder of the Vulnerable Women and Children Action Group, she is an author, life coach, an International Speaker, Visionary Entrepreneur and Christian minister.  Her passion is to empower women and young people helping them to become influential transformational leaders in life, business and ministry.

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